This time though, I had a little bit of an excuse...
Two weeks and one day ago, while eating breakfast and getting ready to leave for church, the top half of my vision in my right eye suddenly went grey.
I blinked. I blinked again, hoping it was just something in my eye. I shut my eyes and opened them again, but I could still only see my brother across the kitchen table from his nose down.
So I said, "Guys, I'm being so serious right now, I can't see out of the top half of my right eye."
My family didn't take me seriously at first. I feel like that says something about my sarcasm. ;)
But from the worried look on my face they decided to take me seriously.
Since, I've been diagnosed with what's called an ocular migraine. I had dull headaches for about a week/week and a half after.
|At the ER!|
Dr. Mom (with help from Dr. Google) helped me identify migraine triggers, which explains my blog break - too much screen time is a migraine trigger. So, I did almost zero screen time for a few days, and I'm still trying to keep it less than what it was for the first half of summer.
So, here's the deal. In those moments - especially the first few - in which I had no idea what was going on, I was scared to bits. Honest truth.
With no idea what's going on, guesses like this run through your head - detached retina, blood clot, brain tumour, nerve damage, I'm going blind, and other scary things involving surgery/lots of medical treatment/crazy life change...
And this is what I was reminded of: In those crazy I-don't-know-what's-going-on moments, we have a choice: fear or faith.
And here's me admitting that I choose fear far too often. My best moments that crazy morning were the moments I chose faith.
My best moments all week? [When doctors say a migraine diagnosis isn't really definite because you just kind-of rule out other really unlikely things and the headaches aren't going away and maybe an MRI?] My best moments were when I chose faith.
And I realize that that choice isn't just for the crazy moments. That fear-or-faith choice is for each day waking up - fear or faith?
You don't need the possibility of a serious health problem to have that choice.
Wake up and there it is: Fear that today goes terrible or faith that He has a plan?
Not just some theoretical, "someday" plan. A plan for today. A purpose for this exact day that He has made.
And that brings me to something else. What if his plan was for me to become blind?
No really - serious question. What if he called me to serve Him without my sight?
Would I say yes?
I said it to my mom later in the week - "I hope if God called me to be blind, I'd be ok with that."
Not just ok, though. I hope my lips would praise Him still, and my life would continue to be His.
Because everything we have is only because of Him.
And how quickly He could take it all away - really.
But our loving God - he doesn't.
He gives. Continually, He gives us only His best.
Because - the biggest thing I was reminded of through all this:
All is grace. All.
ps Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who kept me in their prayers through all this. So thankful for you all.❤